guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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