her vagina looked like bernie madoff
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
