I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
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