Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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