I hate your face
Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
