i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
this hospital has no fireball
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Randomize
