I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
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