I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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