The maid of honor just puked.
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Randomize
