the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Randomize
