How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
