I need to stop coming to work sober
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Randomize
