I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
