I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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