We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
