I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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