woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
