you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
