what day is it and did you see me today?
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
