Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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