it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
you traded sex for a burrito?
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
