he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
