Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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