i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
