I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
