Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Less talking, more tequila
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
