I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
what day is it and did you see me today?
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
