Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
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