Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
