John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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