"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Randomize
