On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
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