was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
