It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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