Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
