i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
