There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
sex in a hospital.. check
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Randomize
