I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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