remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
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