At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
