tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
