my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
