After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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