Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Randomize
