you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
