unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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