There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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