I want to walk on stilts...naked
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
now i know why i became what i already was.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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