a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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