I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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