Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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